WHY ASK Y2K? by Chris Damitio
Has anyone else noticed that every time you pick up a paper, surf the net, watch the news, or open a magazine theres another story about Y2K? I bet you started reading this article because of the Y2K in the lead. It’s a disturbing trend to see. After all it is only February. I don’t really expect that the fervor wil die down as we get closer to ground zero. How many fruitcakes will convince the weakminded to put on theri Nikes, clutch their nickels, and die to meet the Y2K aliens. Conspiracy theories are already starting to abound. Why would they reveal the secrets of the X-Files unless the world is coming to an end. Doesn’t it make sense? Elvis and Jim Morrison are hiding with JFK and his wife Marilyn calling all the shots. It all starts to come clear. The secret is locked in that insidious program, The Teletubbies. The Reverand Jerry Falwell is right (no pun intended) but Tinky Winky is a decoy. I’m sure the real villain is Po. I watch it over and over hoping to figure out the secret which I know is trapped within Po’s fat red fanny. Did you know the word “fanny” has a meaning which makes mum’s cover their kids ears when the sitcom “The Nanny” comes on in Britain? So that’s what’s happening. It’s all pretty obvious. The answer lies in the development which is going on all around.us. Sure, Bellingham needs new hotels, docks, and trolley cars. But what if it is all to provide a place for “the aliens” to emerge from the Pacific Trench. Bellingham would be the perfect place for them to show up. Nobody would really pay attention to them. Okay, so maybe I’m stretching it a little. But, there is a chance that something is going on. My honest suspicion is that cruisehips will depart from Fairhaven to Alaska soon. I’m actually all for that, even though your typical “cruisers” are about as Alien as it gets. While I was living in Juneau last summer, thousands of them would descend on the town every day! I would sit in the Alaskan Hotel with friends and stare in amazement as they pulled the $5 pricetags from their “fashion sport garbage bag ponchos”. But the upside of the tourist industry is that it provides a huge incentive to preserve and protect the beautiful environment which surrounds us and brings in millions of dollars to local business. So let me say again “ Why ask Y2K?”. Tune in next week for more insightful dialogue about Y2K, or maybe a surprise review of Southside restaurants. I’ve eaten at most of them. If you have any suggestions or hatemail you can e-mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org.