February 6, 2023

Sitting in the Window
Sitting in the window. Typing. It’s dark out there…and light in here which means I can’t see anything but the pale glair of headlights going by. There could be a dozen people sitting outside watching me. nah! it’s too cold, inside and outside. curous how cold it suddenly got. if I look and imagine it, I can almost see them out there. Them. The faceless people who want to watch me. They are the ones I have to ghet used to. The ones who will want to see everything. I need to learn to glory in people giving me their attention. I do have that gift. Which is perhaps why I have so much of a desire to do what is lawful. I wish to break no laws. Then I can feel good about haveing those miillions of eyes on me. But until then, I must be careful. Get used to the fact that they are watching. And put on a good show. All of the bugs have to be worked out. There are still a few. The stage is well set though. I am writing publicly and privately.Everything I write may well end up in print for centuries! Stranger things have happened to people who drew such attention.. Odd to think of the window again. It’s stormy outside. The wind is blowing. And every car that passes can see me framed like a televison screen. I can be a character in their real live. Someone they see, ran into Paul and /connie, nice folks. I’m not so sure I acted the way I should’ve. I acted like a hungry guy getting some food. I was a hungry guy getting some food. I didn’t really want to chit chat, but they may have had their feelings hurt. Pah! I’m aware, that I could have stood there for twenty minutes talking about whatever I wanted.I’m sure they had something else to do as well.Fans or friends? do you treat them all like friends? Can everyone be your friend?How can you treat them differently?what is different about them? The People, were they fans or friends?JBoth? I need to figure this out. It is important to what I’m doing here. fans or friends or both?Steve Martin would be very useful to ask these questions to. Do I want everyone to be my friend? Do I want to have distance from my coworkers or not. I wonder if I’ve kissed Tracy, it almost seems like I was making out with her at Blockparty. I think I was making out with her and her friend.Maybe I just imagined that, but it sure sounds familiar.My coworkers, yes. I want to be friends with all of them. I want that, that is what is good for my career and my future. Self promotion. That is what I should do. I need to let people adore me. Being a celebrity is going to be difficult. so many decisions to be made, and so much riding on every one. I would need to be pretty Naive to htink my private life will remain that. I will have virtually no private life for some time to come. What price fame? Am I willing to pay that? Is it worth it to pursue that?I can be as famous as I choose to make myself.That is the wierd part, it is totally my choice. If I open up, everything will open up for me.I have that choice. That is a hard one. How much time do I get to do my creative things. When I don’t have to be a people person.Should I schedule my life by giving myself each Wednesday to write and Sunday to go to the woods or the beach. wow, theres a pretty novel idea. Schedule my life. The main thing is can I keep to it? Yes I can!!!But what about the people outside, they must be getting cold. Ar eyou cold, standing out there watching me. The rain is wet and I see you standing there. I couldn’t help but notice you watching me. Thank you. I like that you are wathcing me. Oops, suddenly I have drooled, isn’t that funny, yes I planned that. It only happens when I plan it. So, that is what it is about. I can be myself, work within the limits which society sets for me, and just crack people up. jThey will want to be in my company.Wouldn’t it be funny just to start falling around the office? Not that funny to the boss maybe. I can see him asking if I’d been drinking. Have you been drinking? So, that is the reason for the sterling reputation, to be above reproach on the mundane side of life. Have the cops say, hey you were speeding Chris, slow down okay? and say back “sure, Steve!” or whatever.

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