I posted this at a couple of yahoo groups earlier and figured I might as well post it here too for those who don’t have the background in religion to understand the sources of the problems in the middle east…at least the problems between Jews and Muslims….here ya go…a lesson in religion from the Chairman of the Fukn Bored….
I’d appreciate it if as you read this you take the earworm of “The Devil Went Down to Georgia” by Charlie Daniels as accompaniment….
What is one to do when your big kahuna tells you that God promised you something that belongs to someone else?
That seems to have been the problem that occurred when God promised the holy land to people that weren’t already there. God said to Abraham that his people would get the land, course Abraham and Sarah didn’t have the benefit of Viagra so Sarah told old Abe to do the housegirl and she begat him a son…”Call me Ishmael!” the infant said when the product of Abe’s Moby Dick emerged as progeny from that lovely servant girl Hagar the Horrible. Course God always gets the last laugh and he is a cruel God so when Sarah popped a bun from her 97 year old oven they named it Isaac which means laughter in Hebrew. Ha-ha. This left Sarah in a dilemma cause Ishmael was older than Isaac and so it seemed that his inheritance would be the land of milk and honey also known as the Holy Land.
As an aside it’s interesting to note that Abraham was a descendant of Shem, the only son of Noah that didn’t sodomize his father on Mt. Ararat after he grew grapes, made wine, and passed out in his tent. The rest of them ‘knew’ him. They knew him well. Too well if you ask me.
So, Sarah, that mean old hag had Hagar and Ishmael cast out with nothing but bread and water and this caused God to get a little peeved so he told Abe to go slice darling Isaac’s throat. Abe dragged the boy out to the field and at the last minute got a reprieve from that big Guv’nor in the sky. After that little Isaac refused to ever leave the property and so they brought him a wife named Rebecca who when she arrived caught him wanking in the field and ‘shocked’ her. Nonetheless she begat a son who wrestled with God and was called Jacob but after that was called Israel or ‘one who wrestles with God’. God never gave a reason for the wrestling match. Jacob eventually begat 12 sons who became the patriarchs of the 12 tribes of Israel. It was about this time that persecution of the 12 tribes began in Egypt. That was when Moses parted the red sea (it’s currently parting again…see the story at http://www.fukn.us) and went to where the descendents of poor old Ishmael were living. Ah ha- this must be the promised land. (Okay there were 40 years of wandering in the wilderness and eating mana) The first king of the promised land was David, who slew a giant with a pebble. He was known as the messiah or anointed one or King. So it was said after the next exodus that the coming messiah would be of the house of David, (this is why Jesus geneology was so important).
So one has to ask…now that we understand the terminology…from a religious standpoint…doesn’t it seem that some cloven footed imp has been playing with these people for a long time? Where is the right and wrong? Well…it all seems pretty wrong to me.
May 14, 1948 without a messiah in sight from the house of David, the Israelites declare a nation and the surrounding arabs attack. mainly because they were living there and from a historic standpoint (if the good books are to be believed) it is theirs anyway.
This is the conflict we are talking about.
If you want my two cents worth, the faster and more ruthless Israel can be about kicking Hagar out without anything but bread and water, the faster they can start claiming the rest of the land of milk and honey. Course, if the Ishmaelites know what is good for them, they will find a way to knock Sarah and her wanking son out of the region asap and get down to the business of creating a model religious government that solves social ills rather than trying to attack other regions with terror.
Is this incomplete…? of course it is…but I though y’all could use a bit of religion here.