January 31, 2023

(for some reason this post didn’t get posted immediately, yet it still deserves fukn space today)
President Bush vowed today to confront and destroy the “evil” of natural weather.
President Bush declares war on hurricanes
September 2, 2005
President Bush today showed the world that he’s “still got it” as a national leader when he declared war on all tropical storms.
“The American people have had enough of this,” the President said, in a rare live press conference. “Every year, we see hurricane after hurricane. And some of them are damaging. And devastating. And even harmful to property. In America!”
Bush added in his minute-long speech that he was “tired of having to come out of retirement, er, vacation” at his sprawling ranch near Crawford, Texas. Thousands of people have gathered there in recent weeks to protest the war in Iraq and to support a woman whose son died in Iraq.
Bush vowed to fly over the devastated city of New Orleans. An anonymous source reported hearing the befuddled president muttering the words, “drop bombs like carpet on all that damn water”.
The president ended his speech with a promise to add the War on Hurricanes to the U.S. government’s already long list of non-humans to fight: the War on Poverty, the War on Drugs, and the War on Terror.
When a reporter asked when the government would begin to fight stupidity and ignorance “like the people of New Orleans are displaying”, the president simply said, “We already have a War on Education,” and gave him the finger.
reporting from Live Oak

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