February 4, 2023

This comes to terrorsuspect via Digg.

Written by Anthony Burch
Dear Dad With a Doo Rag and Mother With a Halter Top and a Belly Piercing,
You may or may not recognize me: I was present at the same screening of Hostel: Part II that you and your family attended last night. I send you this letter in the hopes that you will forward it to all those who share a similar parenting style as you, in the hopes that my request be heard by as many pairs of ears as humanly possible.
I wish to address you concerning a matter of seemingly-negligible importance. Many people – including, I am sure, the both of you – might consider my complaint unnecessary, or simply selfish. Yet in the interest of decency and for the sake of your offspring, I must humbly make one simple suggestion, which you are free to take heed to or ignore at your leisure. The suggestion is this:
Stop bringing your fucking kids to horror movies.
It’d be one thing if they were twelve or thirteen. While the majority of children at that age are, indeed, douchebags, they at the very least understand what they are seeing, will only verbally react to certain parts of the film, and they are easily controllable by any parent with half a brain and a desire for silence.
Not so with your children, sir and madam. It appears that, in your infinite parenting wisdom, you saw fit to bring two kids – an approximately four year old boy and 1 year old girl – into the particular screening of Hostel: Part II I was present for.
Now before you start, I’m sure you had a reason for bringing your underaged children into a film that, essentially, equates to torture porn: I’m sure that you couldn’t find a babysitter, and you hadn’t been out together in a long time, and it was a matter of absolute necessity that you bring your young, impressionable children into the most violent film of the year.
Oh, wait – my mistake, sorry. I forgot that this screening took place on a Monday, at 8 PM in the evening. It appears that I was mistaken: not only do you not have a legitimate excuse for bringing your children to the theatre, but I’m going to venture a guess and call you a couple of selfish fucking idiots. What in God’s name made you think that bringing your two infants into a horror film was a good idea?
Ignoring the parental implications of such a choice for just a moment, let’s look at how incredibly inconsiderate it was for you to bring these two kids into the film. Firstly, the theater was dark, which means that the one-year-old was constantly crying and frightened at the flashing lights and sudden moments of darkness in the theater. This confusion, coupled with the many loud noises and tortuous screams of pain from the film’s soundtrack, prompted your children to cry and moan, repeatedly and loudly, throughout the film’s entire running time. My attempts to insert footage of actress Vera Jordanova into my mental spank bank for future reference were constantly thwarted by your child’s frequent sobs and shouts; as a result, I have, at best, three seconds of Jordanova in said bank. And they aren’t even from the scene where she’s in a bikini.
But far more irritating than my own inability to pay a great amount of attention to the plot (thankfully, Hostel: Part II doesn’t exactly have, well, any plot to speak of) was the knowledge that you, as parents, are failing your children. Not only did you decide that a fun night out for you two adults was more important than your children getting a good night’s sleep, but you also figured that you couldn’t possibly leave them in someone else’s care. You couldn’t possibly have found any other way to have a night at the movies other than abducting your children and forcing them to accompany you into a film that, for all intents and purposes, really should have been rated NC-17. Not only does it speak to your negligence as a parental figure, but also your selfishness as a human being: you honestly value your own entertainment over the health and possible mental well being of your offspring? How dare you have children in the first place?
I’m no child psychologist, but I’ve befriended one or two in my time. They’ve told me that the early years of a child’s development (say, the exact period your children are now living through) are the most important, because they learn the most and assess their environment. If it is seen to be calm, safe, and benign, the child works on developing social and intellectual skills. If the environment seems erratic or dangerous, the child develops survival skills, which can lead to sociopathy and violence. I therefore pose this question to you:
Do you think that an extremely violent horror film , full of castrations, decapitations, and copious nudity, represents a safe environment to a developing child, or a dangerous environment?
Again, I’m no child psychologist, and I’m sure that, had we had this conversation in person, you would currently be pulling out the “don’t tell me how to raise my child, this came from my womb and not yours” argument as if this were some bulletproof trump card that makes you immune from criticism, but it has to be said: you’re shitty parents, you’re shitty moviegoers, and you’re shitty human beings. Either give up your kids to someone who can properly take care for them, hire a damned babysitter every once in a while, or just don’t go to the movies.
Once more, please don’t hesitate to forward this message to every other idiotic, selfish, immature pair of moron parents who find it necessary to bring their toddlers along to the latest R-rated cinema bloodbath.
Anthony Burch
Oh, and did you have to be minorities? As a minority myself, I find it irritating that your blatant lack of intelligence perpetuates old stereotypes regarding the way brown people are said to act in movie theaters. Let it be known that I’ve talked it over with the other minorities, and we have come to the conclusion that you are no longer welcome at the meetings anymore.

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