I’m not a spy!

Serbia wasn’t the only place I’ve been accused of being a spy. It could be that it just comes along with the name Bond. Vago Bond. In fact, I’ve even had some of my closest friends ask me on the down low if I am in fact a spy. When I ask them what makes them think that is even a possibility they point out that I speak Arabic (but not very well) and I’m always traveling in Islamic countries, I don’t seem to have a visible means of income, and no one can really figure out what the hell I’m doing. That includes me by the way.

In fact, being a spy would probably be pretty cool. Especially if I got to wear tuxedos and have an expense account. It would probably be pretty awkward to try to explain why I was going to places and doing the odd things I would have to do as a spy. In fact, it might make my working and family life look positively bizarre.

Another friend sent me the following:

Spies are everywhere around the world. Many people work as undercover spies. Organizations such as the CIA hire specialized spies. Some people are illegal spies. There are many spies that look like normal, everyday people. Do you know how to identify a spy? Here are some steps to help spot and identify a spy.

* 1 – Identify a spy by their age. Most people who are spies will be between the ages of 25 and 40 years old. However, there are also older or younger spies.
* 2 – Review the college credentials of the potential spy. Most spies will be college graduates. Many spies are college graduates who have not been very successful in their careers or have had a difficult time locating satisfying employment.
* 3 – Investigate the military background of the potential spy. Most spies will have some form of military experience. They have very good fighting or defense skills.
* 4 – Ask the potential spy if they like to play chess or other games of intense concentration. Most spies will have very good logic and problem solving skills. They are very intelligent people.
* 5 – Research the driving and criminal record online. Most spies will have a blemished driving or criminal record.
* 6 – Watch for unusual behavior. Does the spy subtly try to be left alone in an office for a few minutes? Do they asked to be trusted with important information? These are all red flags.

Sure, I know, sometimes it looks funny. I mean what the hell was I doing hitch-hiking to the DMZ and the border of North Korea? Why was I looking at bombed out buildings in Belgrade, Serbia? What the hell am I doing wandering around Malaysia, Indonesia, and Singapore right now? And by the way, why the hell do I live in the Republic of Turkey and travel to North Africa so often? It’s mighty convenient.

Let’s get serious. If I were a spy, I certainly wouldn’t tell you about it. In fact, even though I love playing chess, was a US Marine, and all the other red flags are there, calling me a spy could blow my cover if I had one. You could get me killed or ruined like Valerie Plame. And I’d love to tell you the truth, but if I was a spy, that would mean I would probably have to kill you. Who the hell would I be a spy for anyway?

If I were a spy, I would be working for the Hawaiian Secret Service which is so secret that most governments in the world don’t even know it was began by King David Kalakaua in the 1870’s and has continued to this day with loyalty only to the spirit of Aloha.

But I’m not a spy. That’s just silly.