I am disturbed that whatever art I make will probably be used to sell something at some point in the future. This is only true if my art is deemed good or popular. I am disturbed that success is so narrowly defined in the society that I live in. Essentially economic success is the only success that matters. I am disturbed that there is nowhere on the planet that I can go where I can escape my society if I choose to. I am disturbed that this means there is essentially no longer a way for human beings to ‘wipe the slate’ clean without having to worry about the old slate being discovered. The digital signature. I am disturbed by this, not because my past haunts me, but because it means that there is not room for error. The pressure is on and the pressure disturbs me.
I am disturbed by the artificial limitations that have replaced limitations of technology and limitations of scope. What I mean by this is I am disturbed that it is easier to make films than ever before because of the technology but more difficult than ever before because of licensing, releases, liability, and other artificial barriers. Now you can do more, but you can’t really. In fact, you can actually do less. The same goes for travel, it is easier to travel anywhere from anywhere but it is actually harder because you can’t just get on a freighter or get a flight. You must go through security, you must have clearances, you must use the proper channels, and you must do it all with a credit card and letting people in charge know how you are doing what you are doing and why. You can now go anywhere but not really. I am disturbed by this.
I am disturbed by the fact that other people don’t seem to be disturbed by all of this. I am disturbed by the fact that I have to get food from the store made by people I don’t know, handled by countless people, and containing unknown ingredients. I am disturbed that it is so difficult to get my own food now. I am disturbed by the expense of school and the expense of life and the expense of everything else. I am disturbed by my own lack of ‘success’ even though I am also disturbed that I give any sort of credence to the same concept of success. I am disturbed that I don’t have a car but more disturbed by the fact that I seem to think I need one. I am disturbed by the fact that I am so disturbed by so many things.