I find myself quite alone in my house in Otaru – and in general in the town of Otaru, on the island of Hokkaido, and in Japan. It wouldn’t be accurate to say that I find myself alone in the world as there are people I communicate with on a regular basis via the social networks, phone, and email. For the most part though, in the real world, the physical world – I am surrounded by people but mostly alone.
This doesn’t particularly bother me. Yes, I go through periods of loneliness but the truth is that for most of my life, I’ve been discomfited by people. The struggle of trying to understand their motivation, processing their emotions, and working to make them feel comfortable is exhausting. And yes, I understand the issue of trying to be a people pleaser and also as an INFJ being quite empathic when it comes to reading people, picking up on emotional states, and putting together what is going on behind the veil of the face. So, in a very real sense – this is a bit like a holiday. It is likely a big part of the reason why I enjoy traveling (and living) within countries where I don’t speak the language or necessarily understand the complex non-verbal patterns that people communicate with.
Still, it’s fair to say that the best memories and periods of my life were those that were filled with people and activity with people. After my traumatic experiences as a teen and as a young Marine, I found several families of friends while living in the Pacific Northwest, Alaska, and Hawaii. In my travels in Asia, Africa, and Europe – I met a wide variety of people from many different countries and walks of life – and bonded with them. Early on – even in Hawaii, a great many of my friendships were born in hostels and cybercafes, places where those looking for friendship, companions, and information would gather and socialize. This was in the era before smartphones and social media. There was a need for the computer and a need for the companionship by almost everyone who gathered in such places. We were all hungry ghosts looking for connection. Those connections were remarkable. Just as those connections that I made with new families of friends in Bellingham, Portland, Seattle, Juneau, and Kailua were.
As wifi and small laptops began to proliferate, the need for cybercafes became less. Hotels were still essentially for tourists or business people and hostels were less interesting now that everyone did most of their communication on their computers. I remember walking into a hostel in San Francisco and going to the common room hoping to meet new friends – everyone there was staring at a laptop. It was a phenomenon that would not go away but would only become more common as the screens and devices grew smaller. They might be only looking at jokes or wasting time, but they might also be working, so you didn’t interrupt and thus – you didn’t communicate.
My studies in anthropology and electronic communication at the University of Hawaii at Manoa opened my eyes to a lot of this. My undergrad thesis was largely about how strangers became friends in chat groups and on message forums online. An interesting long term observation of that phenomenon was something I had no way of knowing – none of those particular friends I made remained in my life. This may be through my own fault, as I seem to have also formed no deep or lasting connections with my university classmates either, though I have recently rekindled several of those friendships, so the point there might actually be moot.
As I finished up my studies and set out to both seek loneliness and to seek a cure for my loneliness, I was reintroduced to Couchsurfing.com around 2007. This was to have a long lasting and profound impact upon my life.
As I dive into that – it’s interesting for me to observe that in my lifetime (so far) there have been several distinct periods that shaped the course of my life (so far). There have been other periods that seemed important but which didn’t actually yield any long term friendships. I will detail each period below with some of the impacts – there are exceptions in each case and in some cases social media has re-enlivened some of the duration of these periods – which is an ongoing process.
Childhood (0-12) – aside from my siblings, there are almost no deep and lasting friendships that were born in my childhood.
Teens (13-18) – similar to above. In at least one case, I terminated these friendships during the tumultuous uncertainty of 2015-16.
Marines (18-22) – a handful of powerful friendships have survived from this era of my life. As above 2015-16 ended several.
Twenties (23-29) – This was when my deepest friendships were born. Primarily in Bellingham but also Juneau, Portland, and Seattle.
Thirties (30-39) – College years for me. The era of social meetups, hostels, and Couchsurfing. Several deep and powerful friendships were born here. Hawaii, Morocco, the mainland U.S. and Europe. I met my wife (now ex-wife) and mother of my child during this period.
Forties (40-49) – In this era, social media and smart devices came to the forefront. Several friendships from my teens and childhood were reborn. I was focused on being father to a young child and supporting a family. I made several friends through entrepreneurship.
Fifties – just the past few years (50-52 i.e. now) , generally focused on divorce, reconnecting with old friends, and trying to make new ones. Much of this has been around Web3, writing, and crypto with much of that taking place through Discord groups. This has been a surprisingly rich period for forming new friendships – though – most of them are long distance/remote/online.
So, when I look at my close friends today – I find a mixture of people I have consistently been friends with since my 20s, people I became friends with through Couchsurfing and travel in my 30s, people I reconnected with in my forties and fifties, and new friends I’ve made from the Web3/meetup era. And I don’t think any of them are in Japan…
Coming here, my intent was to use meetups, Couchsurfing hangouts, and social media to make new friends. In the past, all three methods have been effective. I was also told by several people that they have used ‘dating apps’ to make new friends when they travel. I found that idea dubious as I have dabbled on dating apps and have not had people reaching out to say “Hey let’s be friends” and when I have done that, there has been either no response or “I’m not here to make friends” – which is fair. Honestly, I don’t present well on dating apps – I’m in my fifties, bald, not tall or specifically employed, and I don’t have amazing or exciting hobbies like surfing, skydiving, or living in my $100k van and traveling between glampgrounds. I probably wouldn’t click on me either. I don’t have a picture of myself golfing, wearing an expensive watch, free-diving, or posing with a drugged animal. BORING.
So – anyway that was my intent. I logged onto Meetups.com and found no meetups in Otaru and a few language exchange ones in Sapporo plus a weekly board game night. Sapporo isn’t terribly far, but it’s also another city. I logged onto CS (Couchsurfing.com) and paid their (new to me) membership fee. I found a few hosts and reached out to say hi and got one response. There were no travelers here. No message board. No one to hang out with. No locals excited to share their cool town. Not even any hustlers trying to ‘make business’ or get dates. “Couchsurfing is dead,” I thought.
Almost but not quite. I took a small trip to Sapporo and logged in. The game night was cancelled and the language exchange meetup got cancelled too. I put myself in ‘hangout’ mode on CS and began just walking around and exploring – as I do – by myself.
DING – a Couchsurfer wanted to hang out. Cool. We met up. Laurie, an English (but Russian souled) film maker who is almost thirty and so is using his one year working holiday visa in Japan (sorry Americans and those over 30 – not for you). His film is going to be centered on loneliness – which is an epidemic here and in the U.S. Short hangout, great conversation, a little walk and he invited me to an arts event he was going to that evening at the Tenjin-Yama art studio.
It was a cool event. Expat and Japanese artists hanging out and sharing their creativity. It wasn’t a Couchsurfing event or a Meetup event, but it was definitely my kind of event. Met a wide range of people, all of them creative, and had a very nice evening. It reminded me of the old CS events and since I was invited there through a random meetup using CS, I have to give CS credit. I felt a lot less lonely after that event – and feel like I may have actually started the process of making a few long term friends.
A few days later back in Otaru, I looked at the CS app and DING, a CSer named Ken wanted to hang out and watch fireworks on top of Mt. Tenguyama. Cool guy. On his ninth trip around the world, Ken is a Japanese (but Canadian souled) content maker and creative who is trying to make 27 trips around the earth. We met, chatted a bit, watched the fireworks, had a beer, and then because the lines were so epic long to take the tram down, Ken suggested we hike down the mountain. It was nighttime but it’s a ski area and summertime, it was well lit. Until about halfway down when they shut off the lights. It was one of those unplanned epic adventures with a stranger that only CS can really conjure up. My phone was dying and Ken wanted to move fast “I don’t want to die by getting eaten by a bear in Hokkaido” he said. He was a lot more worried than I was about that happening…I just didn’t want to slip and crossed my fingers hoping it wouldn’t rain. We made it down without injury or being consumed by Hokkaido bears. Then we parted ways.
I’ve offered to host a few people who were coming to Otaru. Only one responded to say they actually aren’t coming to Otaru.
I’ve also tried the dating apps to see if I could make friends or find love. So far a big zero on the dating apps. Meetup.com hasn’t really yielded anything yet – but still hopeful there. On Facebook, I joined the Otaru group. There are a few people on there but I haven’t had a chance to meet up with any of them yet – though I did have a nice phone conversation with one guy and I’ve gotten some really good advice about my house and Japan life in general from several others on there. The guy I had a phone call with created a dating/friend/info site called Meet Me in Hokkaido. So far, no real life friends met there, but it is one more option.
So, here I am. A hungry ghost – but now a hungry ghost that found a bookstore with English language books. My first read is about Japanese ghosts, demons, and creatures. It’s a rich subject – one girl I met asked me if I loved demons because of my tattoos. Tattoos here have a very different connotation – but I just went with it. Yeah, I love demons and ghosts – after all, I’m a hungry ghost myself.