Massage therapy, multi level marketing, and spiritual coaching. It wasn’t exactly what I had in mind when I went to the Hawaii Convention Center today for the Body Mind Spirit Expo.
I should of expected what it was, a bunch of new age multi level marketing strategists, Japanese tarot card readers, and nutcase
guru types. Instead I had gone with the hope of attending some exciting lectures about alternative healing in a western context. I was hoping to encounter complimentary practitioners and modern perspectives on the viability of holistic methods. Not to be. Instead there was (and I’m not joking) Rosemary the Celtic Lady (international psychic medium) Linda Drake (Intuitive Past Life Healer) Limu, the new superfood, and Psycyic Aura Therapy.
While I didn’t attend all the presentationss, my first lecture of the day was the most memorable. I still can’t get rid of the smell. It was Siddhartha Malone, the self proclaimed graduate of the school of hard knocks explaining his success at passing lifes many tests. I was annoyed by his continued request to close our eyes…his words here “we have our eyes open all the time, now is a good time to let them rest” I do that at night when I sleep. Thanks. While he seemed like a very nice man, I wasn’t overly impressed by the following story as a motivational tool. “When I first became homeless, I refused to eat garbage, and then I found a bag full of quarters so that I wouldn’t have to.” Profound. while he never explained how a homeless New York kid got involved with a Cherokee Indian Shaman he did ask all of us to hold out our hands and that’s when he sprayed what smelled and looked like the substance barbers sanitize their combs in on all of us. He said it was his secret potion. I hope it wasn’t anthrax. Even after a huge bike ride and a shower the smell still won’t get off me.
My next lecture was from Laurie Grant, the Instant Kahuna. She explained that Hawaiian Legend says that a fair headed woman would take a leadership role in the Kahuna Tradition. Apparently, since she is a blond white woman, it must be her. She claimed to be able to heal instantly and that she rediscovered this ancient Hawaiian ability in 2000. I got lost in her rap about chakras. Apparently she has rediscovered some Ayurevedic terminology too. Maybe the Indians have a legend about a fair haired woman too.
Ann O’Brien’s lecture on manifesting your creative goals was the most enjoyable to me. Okay, I admit it, I fell asleep during the meditation and had a dream about the woman I love. When I woke up everyone was clapping. At first I thought they were clapping for me.
My final lecture of the day was the one I had the greatest hope for. During Fundamentals of Complimentary and Alternative Medicine , Dr. Hope Kellman ( I wonder if she is really a doctor), kept telling us about how her employers brand of soy product can ‘repair your DNA’. She said that whatever genetic problems you have inherited in your DNA can be repaired…and she saidthat if you eat too much chicken it can cause arthritis because it will make your hands look like Chicken Claws.I’m really not making this up. When she was asked a serious question she said that she had just written a ‘medical paper’ on that very thing and changed the subject without saying a word more.
The Expo continues tomorrow (Sunday) from 11 to 6. Admission for both days was $8. If you want to go…you can have my ticket, I won’t be going back. In all more than 50 lectures and 60 exhibitors on a wide variety of topics, including healing and rejuvenation, reincarnation, hands-on spiritual healers, massage therapists, chiropractors, astrologers, angelic counseling, guides and psychics, and looking and feeling great naturally using multi level marketed products that make amazing claims. ..
Small wonder that alternative practitioners and complimentary medicine proponents don’t get taken seriously. Although none of them were at this event that I saw, they tend to get thrown in with this crowd. Too bad.
Maybe he was spraying anthrax….I woke up with a sudden cough and flulike symptoms, a raised bump resembling an insect bite on my hand, and I still can’t get rid of that damn secret potion smell…If I am dead in seven days, you’ll know what happened.