I showed up with a ticket leaving Canada, I was carrying no contraband, I had money, I was clean, and yet…Canadian Customs worked me in Yarmouth when I arrived.
They read my journal, searched my hard drive, held me in isolation, grilled me with question after question, searched my dirty underwear, grilled me more, used chem wipes on most of my things to search for gunpowder, read every document in my possession, and then grilled me more.
Then they said “Welcome to Canada” and let me in! There was one scary moment where they came back in very excited with a book and lots of secret conferring and one guy said, “Yeah, that’s a real strong hit! We’ve got him” and the other guy said “Wait, there’s duct tape on that book, that gives false readings for THC and Heroin, it’s the tape.”
Then they searched my underpants again where they no doubt found I had crapped them due to their conversation…although, somehow I think Canadian prison wouldn’t be that bad, but bad enough.
In any event, I couldn’t help making up stories for all the questions they kept asking me and aside from actually having a ticket to leave Canada on the 30th, I didn’t really give them any information. And at least they didn’t steal my toenail clippers, but that female Canadian customs agent was really into reading my journal…I think the ugly shoe was actually hot for me and getting off on going through my private thoughts and underpants. Who could blame her for that one?
Anyway, I escaped and told them I knew no one and was going to stay at a hostel or hotel and then as soon as I went outside, my couchsurfing host picked me up and we drove away as they watched…
Out of every country I’ve ever visited, including Canada, I’ve never been subjected to customs that went this far…all that was missing was torture in terms of violation…
They said they were just searching my laptop for child porn but I’m sure they must’ve put some kind of cookie on it, after all, even though it is Canada (and I love Canada) it’s still a government.
By the way, I’m in Canada and I love it. More on that later.
(Originally published 21 SEP 2009 )