Vagobond in Salt Lake City…again

salt lake city

This is my third trip to Salt Lake City since I started this odyssey. My first visit, I was very pleasantly surprised by this place. I made some great friends, had a lot of fun, and left thinking this might be one of the best cities in the United States.

My second visit was still good and I still enjoyed my stay, but I became aware of what I very un-politically correct call “The Mongoloid Factor” when I played through some social acting with my friend Candace and her friend Mark, who literally has his eyes on the side of his head.

What I noticed is that there is a certain Utah type, referred to by some as “Utards” that has resulted from the genetic tree being noticably free of branches among many of the LDS (Latter Day Saints – Mormons). This type has big noses, unnatural freckles, white pasty skin, bleached out dry hair and skin, and more often than I would expect, eyes on the sides of their heads. That doesn’t mean they aren’t nice people, it just means they are mutants of a sort.
magic mormon underwear
After spending a couple of months in the Wasatch Mountains where I interacted with just about no one who I am not related to (large portions of my family have moved from California to the Utah mountains), I am struck by how beautiful this state is. It is filled with pristine mountains and lakes, gorgeous natural beauty, and unfortunately Mormon Utards.

For a very scary history and synopsis of Mormonism, check out this excellent post at Above Top Secret.

Yesterday, I arrived here via the very excellent Front Runner train. I love this train, it is scenic, cheap, comfortable, and has free wi-fi onboard. As a result of this, I thought that SLC public transit would be just as efficient. I was wrong.

My friends Cameron, Josh, and Tony had offered me a bed for a few nights and gave me their address which is on the outskirts of the city, but still well within. Arriving in SLC, I went to the beautiful Gateway center and watched a movie since it looked like it would rain. I watched ‘9’, a post apocalyptic animated letdown of a film, and then I went to catch a bus. I went to the Salt Lake Central bus terminal and there was no information, when I asked in Greyhound, they told me to ask the drivers. I asked 3 drivers which bus would take me to my friend’s neighborhood, none of them knew. Finally a Vietnamese driver told me that I needed to catch the 307 but that I couldn’t catch it there. I tried to call the UTA information line but after 20 minutes, I gave up. Finally I found a bus that would take me to where I needed to take the bus to get to the general area of my friend’s house.

I got on the bus heading to Cottonwood and asked about the address and the driver had no idea where it was. The woman with eyes on the side of her head sitting near him tried to be helpful but actually only made things more confusing, then she found out I was from Hawaii and started to sing and try to dance the Hikilau Hula she had learned 8 years before…um gruesome.

Finally the driver called his dispatch and I found out I needed to transfer to another bus but that was all the info they had, once again, I was told to ‘ask the driver’. I did, again, he had no idea.

I got out and walked. I asked a guy at a gas station if he knew the street I was looking for, he was a normal guy, seemingly. He told me that he lived on the street and gave me good directions to it.

So I found it, but I also found that the public transit here is atrocious outside of the downtown area. And I met more mongoloids. Then, I watched Monday night football with my buddies and then went out to shoot some pool. None of them are from Utah either…
salt lake city
Today, it’s just rain and drizzle, so that part of my travels seems to have returned…in summary, I think Utah is great, but there is something sort of creepy and sinister about the Mormons and more than a little bit of the mongoloid factor in play and frankly, it’s just disturbing to see people with eyes on the sides of their heads….

utard mongoloid


Vago Damitio

Damitio  (@vagodamitio) is the Editor-in-Chief for Vagobond. Life is good. You can also find him on Google+ and at Facebook

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